-EDITED-






Upon reflecting, re-reading smses, I have calmed down. And decided on what I want to do.



I don't want to be defensive. I don't want to scold or make excuses, or be agressive.



I want to patch things up. Type my thoughts, my point of view, and try to patch. They might not accept it, but at least I've tried. At least I've changed. I've learnt how to take time off and reflect, instead of shooting immediately. Credits to Carel dear <3





So, this long post, is for you guys.



I won't name names, because I want to preserve the group's image which we've used so much effort to create. I never had the intention to publicise this online. Like I said, it wasn't easy maintaining to group's image. I'm not dumb/selfish enough to taint it.




Firstly, what happened yesterday.




You told me you had dance there until 4. Staying in Pasir Ris, I know how troublesome it is for you to travel from Eunos to Bugis. I was supposed to meet you, I brought your tickets and gifts out and went to meet my friends for an important discussion. But it dragged longer than expected, so I smsed you at 4 to tell you I couldn't make it. And you got pissed, and said I was wasting your time.




When I read your sms, it was hurtful. Why did I waste your time? I smsed you at 4, at the time when your dance ended. You could have just went home! D____ was there as well, you two could have hung out or something. It's not like I only smsed you at 5 or 6 to tell you I'm not coming. I thought you were hungry after your dance and had no money, so I asked you for your acc number.




I wanted to meet you with good intentions, I was really looking forward to it, but things cropped up. When I read your sms, I was crushed. Especially when it came from you, one of the very few whom I placed my trust and faith in.




Why did I waste your time? Your dance ended at 4 right? So whether or not I'm going to meet you, you were still going to be there, isnt it?





Or did you decide not to go for dance and waited for me/came out especially to meet me? This is the only reason/situation I can think of to why you claimed I wasted your time. If this really was the situation, then I'm really sorry. If I knew you came out especially for me, I would have rushed to meet you. I'm really sorry if this is really the case.




Next, regarding how much trouble I've caused. I quitted dance halfway, causing you guys to pay more to cover my share. I'm very very very sorry about this. I really am sorry. I didn't have the money to pay anymore. Unlike you guys, I don't have a job, and I only get $30 every week. Every 2 weeks I'm suppose to come up with $75, but even if I starve for 2 weeks, I can only manage to pay $60. At my age, I cannot get a job too. If you threw me a job, I would gladly take it. And on top of that, my parents objected to my dancing as well. What do you want me to do? Sleep with someone for money to pay for the dance? I really zou tou wu lu, so I had no choice but to quit. I'm really sorry about that, if can, I'll make it up to you. Whether is it taking videos of the dance class, or running errands, or providing the place for discussion,I'm ready to make it up to you. But since I quitted, no one asked, no one contacted me, so naturally I thought you guys hated me or already kicked me out. But after speaking to M, she told me this wasn't the case. I hoped so too.





But yesterday D's messages told me a different story. I told her I didn't have money to pay her that night, and asked her if I could owe her first. Her tone was.. cold. Maybe I was thinking too much or was just plain paranoid, but the first feeling I got when I read her sms or heard her voice was different from the usual warm, nice feeling I used to feel.......I n I felt discriminated and hated. D is usually such a warm person, to get such a vibe from her shows alot. Especially when I'm such a sensitive, emotional freak. This also explains why I replied in such a rude manner to her yesterday. I no longer felt like a younger sibling, not even a friend. Instead, I felt like a stranger. And the thought in my head was, this was too much of a punishment for me quitting the dance. I don't deserve to get discriminated by D just because I couldn't come up with money for the dance. My sadness turned to anger, thats why I replied that way.




Alternatively, I might have been thinking too much. Perhaps D was just pissed off with the questions I asked her. Which might explain the content in her last sms to me. This hoodie thing has been discussed for a long time, and maybe she was angry cos I asked questions which were asked months ago. I agree, perhaps normal fans would have known more about the hoodies than me, and for this, I failed as a member. I apologise.





Some of you might have noticed, everytime we have meetings, I seem so blur and not paying attention. I acknowledge that, and I'm sorry. Sometimes I just half pay attention, because I'm always thinking of what to say, how to say and what to do. I'm always thinking of how to to things appropriately as the maknae to show respect for my seniors. Which is why most of the time, I get lost halfway. All I wanted to do was to ensure that I behave appropriately, but it backfired on me. This is why I asked D questions which might have led her to think that I'm not buying the hoodie I ordered.




BUT NO, I never expressed the intention to go back on my words and not buy the hoodie, especially when its already ordered for me. If I ordered it, I have to pay for it. I know that, and I never wanted to go back on my words. I don't even know why D thought I wanted to. When I read 'if you don't want already then just forget it', I was totally crushed. To the point of crying. Am I really that irresponsible and bad in your eyes? I ordered it as part of _____. It's a group thing, how can I not get it?




Unless I'm no longer part of the group.





Which I don't want to happen, as the group means alot to me. This was where I learnt alot and found awesome people driven by their passion. It inspires me alot.






Next is the rude/immature issue. Apart from the way I blew up yesterday, I've always tried to be respectful towards my seniors, especially when there is such a big age gap between us. I've always been trying to be respectful and to understand things I didn't knew by always agreeing and saying yes/okay to things. Sometimes I even feel weird because I was the only one in the group addressing everyone by their proper title. Of course to D, everyone addresses her the same way. But I've always had the thinking that this kinda korean traditional stuff didn't matter to you guys like it did to me cos I don't hear anyone else adressing each other properly, not even Y.






Is this what the 'How rude and immature you seem.. Especially to your seniors' referred to? I guess not, right?






Did it refer to what I said about J? The D and Y thing that happened yesterday, I've already explained.







I admit, I found J bossy, even bitchy. There are times when I even hated her. But no one is perfect, and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I did not expect M to tell everyone how I feel towards J, or what I said about J. I did not expect her to tell what I shared with her at the bus stop. I know it sucks to hear such things about yourself. I know you were angry/disappointed/upset when M told you how I felt about you(if she did tell it out).






She is my senior, and as a junior, as the maknae, I shouldn't bitch about her. But when I did, it was never intended for her to hear. I never wanted J to hear my bitchings about her. Like I said, I didn't expect M to say it out. If I knew, of course I would have kept it to myself. Write whatever I felt about her, write my rants down on a paper and burn it or something. I never intended/expected J to hear about this. I'm really sorry about this. To me, I find J bossy sometimes. That's just her bad point, everyone has good and bad points. I was just sharing J's bad points to M. Like M said, these were also the things which kept meetings effective and events successful. I agree, 100 %. I was just ranting, and I really did not expect J to know about my ramblings. It was never intended.





J has alot of good points too. She is always concerned about me, offering drinks during dance, asking me if I am fine when she notices I'm down, and a whole lot of other things. She's also very dorky and funny when she is not in her working mood. Its only when we have discussions where I find her bossy and all. Other than that, she's an awesome friend. She took care of me alot during dance lessons and I'm very thankful for that. I don't hate J. I'm thankful she's around. If I find that there is really a need to tell her about what I feel towards her instead of bitching behind her back, I would. But I don't see the need, cos like what M said, these are the things which kept meeting effective. Someone needs to be the bad guy, and I applaud and respect J for that. I was just ranting, I didn't want or expected her to hear about this. I'm really sorry, J.





I never expected you guys to give in the me. Everyone has bad points, so if I did things that were intolerable, insensitive etc, tell me. So far, only J told me about the dance thing at Starbucks. I'm thankful she did, cos I changed. But now, no one else told me that I was being too rude and all that, and suddenly Y smses me all these things, like how rude/immature I was. It's so sudden, I don't even know what was going on.





I think things would have been better if someone told me what a bitch I had been. If you told me, I would have changed. I wasn't aware I was being rude, immature and was causing problems. I apologised for the dance issue, I never wanted to go back on my words and not buy the hoodie, other than that, I can't think of what I've done to suggest that I've been disrespectful, immature or rude. Please, tell me so I can change. J told me, and I changed, didn't I? It's not as if you already told me, but I refused to change. If that was the case, then I would understand why you said 'Do you think that just because you're the youngest we've gotta always give way to you? You need to learn how to respect people.'






Why didn't anyone tell me I had issues with respect? You should have told me. I mean, don't like, not let me know about the issues I have and then bombard me later for being rude and immature. It's like, I don't have the chance to change(cos I didn't know) and now suddenly, one of the person I trusts so much, suddenly sms such a thing. I was really shocked when I read her sms. Why couldn't anyone just tell me I was being disrespectful? I'm not talking about the things that happened yesterday, cos I already explained myself and the sentence from Y's sms 'You're upset now but we've been tolerating you and been upset for a relatively long time' suggests that this whole 'maknae being disrespectful/immature/rude/irresponsible' has been going on for a long time, and no one told me all this?




How can you not bother to say anything and then scold me upside down for it later? At least give me a warning first! If you wanted to give in to me all this while, then at least warn me first before you start scolding me upside down... The effect of your smses was more 'crushing', hurtful and sudden rather than it being a wake up call ..





All these while you keep mentioning about the 'problem I've caused you all', which I assume is the dance thing? But you need to understand, it's too much for me to keep paying. What do you want me to do, sleep around for money? That's the only 'mess I've created that _____ needs to clean up. What other mess did I create? Please, tell me? I'm paying for which ever hoodie I ordered, in the first place I didn't say I didn't want to. I don't know how D got that idea.



The thing I'm most upset/bewildered about is the 'tolerating' part. I didn't ask you to tolerate, I didn't even KNOW you guys were tolerating. I would have rather someone informed me, and I change for the better. It's not fair for you guys to tolerate me, and it's also not fair to suddenly scold me for the toleration you guys have been doing, which I wasn't even aware of.



I trust you alot, and it hurts the most compared to the other members when I get scoldings from you. Perhaps I thought you were easier to communicate with since we're almost the same age.. I really didn't expect you to sms me in this kind of tone.




I'm shocked, I'm hurt, but I got your message.




I've reflected, I've also apologised. For the tolerating you guys have been enduring for my attitude, for being immature, rude, irresponsible, disrespectful. I didn't know I was such a bitch, and I sincerly apologise now.




If you guys come to a decision where you think that you've had enough of my rudeness etc, and feel that I should go, then I will. _____ cannot go on if there are internal conflicts.




I'm trying to patch, I've explained my actions, I've reflected and apologised. The rest, is up to the seniors to decide. It's up to the people who have been affected by my irresponsible actions decide.







I don't know if you still want to go to Thailand with me. My Aunt and Uncle spent alot of effort to prepare and arrange the housing space, transport and everything months in advance for us. If you still want to back out now, then I really don't know what to say. To both my relatives there and to you. If you decide to travel there, just the 2 of you, then please be careful. Thailand is not a safe place for you 2 teens to travel alone, especially when you're not a regular there. Just my two cents worth..





I hope you guys respond to this post. Tell me my other problems I've caused, my other issues. Don't bottle it up and suddenly shoot everything to me, please. It hurts alot, especially coming from Y.



I'm infinitely SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLES I'VE CAUSED, whether or not I knew it.