Hi Blogger.

Life has been.. bad? I don't really like my life now. I don't feel how I felt during the first week after the june holidays. I'm no longer looking forward to school, missing my friends on Fridays, or feeling great and perfect in class.

I really, really don't like my life now. Really. But too bad, life goes on. BUT I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE NOW PLEASE?!

Just too many problems and insecurities. The two biggest problems of my life merged together; I feel so exhausted. I am especially feeling insecure recently. Don't ask me in which aspect of life lah. I once felt perfectly at ease, and totally blissed out in that aspect. Now, merely a short time later, I'm having doubts and insecurities. I know why; I'm being more sensitive nowadays. But if you were in my shoes, going through what I'm going through now, you would feel the same way. I feel fucked up, sad, worried, and FUSTRATED. There's nothing I can do but wait. Until everything goes back to normal, my days will be as fucked up as yesterday's. Or the day before yesterday's. Or the day before that. Or days last week.

I'm really glad that at least, I have Sinthu. I don't regret telling her and Sanjoe everything, at least they've been helping me. And encouraging me. At least I don't feel worse if I think negatively when someone who knows about my problems aren't talking to me about it or helping me. At least I won't think that the reason for their avoidance isn't due to disgust, cos they HAVE been helping me.

Why is it that I feel let down? Did I expect too much? Or was it the stark difference between both parties?

Art has been fucked up. I'm really tired and sick of it all; whenever I thought that finally, I'm done, more works piles up. I tell you, I seriously don't care if I fail or pass Art already. I'm just really upset that all the things Ms. Chua is doing now, was supposed to be what Mdm Teo should have done months ago! All Mdm Teo does is to throw something entirely new like O Level Art at us and order us to start work without even helping us/encouraging us/explaining the work to us at all! And she constantly pressures us with her fucking attitude, AS IF WE AREN'T REALLY BOTHERED AND WORRIED AND STRESSED BY ART ALREADY? There we were, not knowing what the fuck was going on, and she comes in and scream at us for not doing something we were supposed to do COS WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FUCKING EXPLAIN. And if we do something wrongly, she scolds us for doing a fucked up job. SHE DOESN'T EVEN DO HER JOB AS A TEACHER. All she does is to show us/read to us official documents from the MOE and show us the guidelines and all; THAT'S A FREAKING TALKING PARROT, NOT A TEACHER! She did not TEACH or GUIDE or ENCOURAGE or INSPIRE, hence I find it unfit to call her a teacher.

I have a lot of rage and emotional feelings inside of me nowadays. Due to all the fucking problems in my life. I'm trying very hard not to snap, and all those snide remarks in school does NOT fucking help. It might be a joke, but I can't take jokes now. I'm officially a sensitive and insecure bitch.

I'm trying to think positive. To think that everything is going to be fine. But how can I look at the damage and think that way? I can't even get over the grief/regret/sorrow. I'm struggling. I need more support. Before I break, before things get worse. Cause I can't take any more than this now.